Illustrated by Lasya Puppala
i situate myself on a craggy rock, surveying the silhouette of your pretentious palace. lights flare from the unbolted windows, painting the night sky with halos of silver. the curtains whirl and waltz, swayed by the outpour of audible exuberance. the balconies teem with elements from my most far-fetched daydreams, the turrets twinkling with vivacity. this must be it— seas of partygoers experiencing the time of their lives.
meanwhile, the castle gates far, far below are sealed shut. rusted to the bone. not even the sharpest, most dramatic pull could alter the fate of them. i abandon my perch from the boulder, creeping my way towards the metal cage with a budding fascination.
my eyes twinkle with wonder as i absorb my surroundings, the steel barriers looming above my periphery. i precariously run my finger across the tarnished metal, tainted by nothing more than time and negligence. as if in an effort to restrict me from the castle beyond, the earthy red rust claws at my fingertips, icy to the touch. nonetheless, my curiosity is piqued by this world beyond unbeknownst to me, the bewildering dreamscape sprawled across my vision.
i track the distant echoes of celebrations and cheers from above, euphoric laughter like the tinkling of bells. they reverberate across all corners of my skull, amplifying my lingering questions: secret jokes? sacred cults? i suck in a sharp breath, my gaze still fixated on the spectacle adorning my view.
however, the uproar aggressively ricochets across all corners of my skull, now determined to drown me in…shame? i guess i’ll never make it out there, past the precipice of my own self doubt. past these padlocked gates. my initial curiosity rapidly dwindles like a candle flame under a violent breath, until it’s terminated from existence. i’m now enveloped in veins of envy, constricting each and every ounce of hope i thought i had left. mimicked by the fiery tendrils of poison ivy snaking along the castle’s otherwise perfectly polished exterior- revolving around everyone, yet only visible to me.
anger now boils inside me, so i bang and bang at the steel barriers.
hey, just so you know, i’m out here! i holler in the most alluring manner i possibly can. dutifully faking a smile as if everything was alright, fantasizing that the partygoers finally acknowledge my existence. however, even a fool could sense my voice was tinged with outrage. contempt. animosity. of course, no one seems to hear a single thing, forever unaffected by my presence. my eternal curse.
“what ifs” endlessly circle my mind, but my fate is inevitable. intertwined strings of the past, all that have somehow guided me to this exact moment.
“written in the stars?” screw that! my temptations urge me to pull out the sharpest blade in existence and peel away at the diamond-encrusted night sky. to demolish the orderly arrangement of the specks, nothing more than dots of false hope. i tear away the blanket of ink like it’s paper, letting its rriiipppp consume the entirety of my thoughts. letting it blur out the cacophonies from the castle above. no remorse. no regrets. i observe the midnight bleeding through the crevices, mirrored by the silvery tears leaking from my own eyes.
droplets that i’ve been concealing for so long finally descend into my cupped palms like fallen constellations, at last liberated from their imprisonment. i blink, and at once the entirety of my field of vision morphs together, transforming into a haze of swirled watercolors. even my tears could no longer handle the burden of being confined. caged away from the rest of the world.
that’s when it hits me, a cannonball in the deadest of night. i’ll never be good enough, dedicating my life to gripping onto something nonexistent. like running your hand through a cloud- you see it, but it’s truly intangible. an illusion. our perception messing with us. but it’s real for you- so what am i doing wrong? how could i ever aspire to reach your level of glory when i’m unable to simply surpass the gates? it’s almost as if i’m surrounded by magnetic forces designed to repel me, columns of brick isolating me from my deepest desires.
why can’t i ever be a part of it all?
The Roar 