What just happened? I was sure that the thread of love had just been firmly in my grasp. The wind howled and the rain screamed, but nothing could drown out the explosion of misery in my heart. Lightning flashed, and I prayed to an otherworldly being to direct it towards my tiny first-floor bedroom. I begged for the Earth to swallow me whole. I wanted anything, anything at all to erase the burning pain in my chest.
The sound of the door slamming echoed through the depths of my soul. My being felt broken and alone, like the shattered vase on the living room floor. My hand was red where a shard had pierced through my skin, but I barely felt it. No form of physical pain could defeat the mental agony radiating through me.
Just yesterday, the house was ablaze with life. Candles burned in this very room, the television laughed and sang, and even the moon smiled down from the sky. Now, it felt as if all forms of existence had abandoned this place. There was nothing.
My sheets were soaked with a day’s worth of tears, and my throat was sore from screaming. Wasn’t there any way to fix this? I needed glue, just like the vase in the living room did. Glue…and tape…and hope…
Yes, nothing could be done without hope. But what was there to hope for in this dark, depressing bedroom when I was all alone? Scissors seemed to dangle above my head, marking me as the culprit who cut the thread. I screamed with what voice I had left, swiping up at the image. It disappeared, leaving me alone once more.
I shook with sobs, but the tears had stopped coming. I was like a reed: weak and hollow, emptied of every “us” we’d ever built. There was nothing left in this world for me to hold on to. My knight in shining armor, my lifeboat, my savior had abandoned me, leaving a map of my heart that led only to ruins.
Thunder roared, shaking the windows of the house—a sound as furious as my shattered love. I glanced up at the dreary sky. Somewhere far away, I heard a fire greedily licking at the grass, consuming the past as eagerly as I once cherished it. My hands moved before my brain could command them to, and soon, the window was open. I punched out the wired net and took in big gulps of air. Rain poured down my face, washing away my tears.
The layers of my delicate paper mask seemed to dissolve in the downpour, and all my pain, my trauma, my fears, my memories, every whispered promise and final goodbye, ran off my skin and into the gutter below. I felt free—freer than I’d ever been. I squinted up and saw a small bird struggling to fly in the storm. The wind kept pulling it backwards, but it beat its wings stubbornly. I laughed my first real laugh in days. This bird was kind of like me: fighting to fly in a world that had clipped my wings, pushing forward despite all the other people pulling me back.
Maybe what I had wasn’t “true love.” What is “love” anyway? Is it something people spend their lives trying to find, only to be disappointed time and time again? Why do we try so hard to look for someone who will eventually let us down? Are we that desperate to be accepted and noticed?
I jumped out of the window, not bothering to close it behind me. The rain poured into my room, washing away all the letters, all the books, and all the nights. I opened my mouth, letting the rain consume me. I was coughing and spluttering, but I was happy. I’d thought I needed someone to save me from drowning, when all along, I could’ve befriended the floods. The streets began to fill with water, and people rushed into their homes. But I stayed there in the street, twirling and staring up at the sky. This was all I needed.
I opened my eyes, watching as the world around me fell apart. The water rose to my feet, and I closed my eyes once more, allowing my memories to sweep me away.
I was running through the fields with a figure I couldn’t quite see, but I immediately knew who it was from their scent, their aura, the feelings I get only from their presence. The world fell behind us as we pumped our legs, the flowers and weeds scraping our calves raw. The woods were getting closer and closer until suddenly, we were surrounded by browns and greens of an otherworldly hue. The trees reached up for the sky for as far as we could see, and it seemed that no matter how far we ran, we could never make it out of the woods.
The water rose to my knees, and I relished the stinging coldness surrounding my skin.
I was on my knees in prayer, but this time, the figure was nowhere to be seen. I called upon an illusioned presence, asking for the love of my life to stay with me forever. The moment those words floated to the surface of my brain, the clouds shifted, allowing the sunlight to spill into the room. A golden aura surrounded me, and I smiled, showering my face in the warm glow.
The water rose to my waist, and although trash swirled around me, it felt refreshing to be standing there all alone in the dark.
I was dancing with the figure at my best friend’s wedding. Their hands were on my waist, and I couldn’t see their face even when I looked up. It was as if they had been consumed by shadows. We swayed to the rhythm of the music, lost in the heavenly sweetness of the melody. Time seemed to stop as we danced this way and that, following the notes like a recipe. I was smiling, and it felt as if I were at my own wedding instead of someone else’s. Perhaps the blessing of the caught bouquet would be in my favor after all.
The water rose to my chest, and I could hear rescue boats in the distance. I swam further away, not wanting to be saved. Not yet.
A familiar, tightening ache bloomed behind my ribs—the ghost of a pain I knew all too well.
I was just about to fall asleep when a searing pain engulfed my chest. I sat up, gasping. My love called an ambulance, and the doctor at the hospital confirmed my greatest fear. He regretfully told me that I had a form of incurable heart disease whose end was a clock already ticking inside my chest. I was utterly shattered, and my love crumpled, the color draining from their face. They begged the doctor to say it wasn’t true, but the doctor sighed and repeated his words. I was going to die. The doctor gave me ten years to live. When he left the room, my love promised me that they would make the last ten years of my life the best I’d ever lived. When I looked deep into their eyes, however, I saw something that had never been there before: detachment. Because who would willingly hold on to someone who was going to be erased from existence?
The memory faded, replaced by a reality almost as chilling as the past. The water rose to my neck, and I threw my head back to avoid drinking the sewage-filled water.
I couldn’t breathe. I clutched at my throat, trying to force it to soak up oxygen, but it wouldn’t obey my commands. I threw open the window of my bedroom and stuck my head out, gasping for air. My love was there behind me, rubbing comforting circles into my back. My heart was giving out, and there was no one there for me except the love of my life. Tears streamed down my cheeks as waves of heat and freeze rolled over my body. An unfamiliar thumping of agony pumped through my veins as my mind replayed all the nightmares I’d struggled to hide deep beneath the surface. My legs gave out from beneath me, and then I was falling. My love called my name over and over, but they sounded further and further away by the second. The room spun, and my head hit the carpeted floor.
The water rose to my nose, and I struggled to get to the surface. There was something weighing me down. Swimming down into the icy depths, I saw it. It wasn’t clear what it was at first. The remnants of clothing hung loosely around its frame, hair billowed around its head like a halo, and its limbs were similar to popsicle sticks. Its left hand was wrapped tightly around my ankle, and its mouth was open in a scream, its eyes pleading for me to rescue it. I screamed when I realized what it was. It was the body of my love.
I scrambled for the surface, but my love’s grip was too strong. The corpse crawled up my leg, and I flailed wildly. No. No! And that’s when my brain chose to recall its final memory…
Someone shook my shoulder gently, and I gasped, opening my eyes. The sun shone brightly through my bedroom window, and I blinked fiercely against the penetrating rays. I rolled over to see my love smiling at me. I leaped back in shock, reaching out to stroke their arm. They weren’t dead. They weren’t dead! Their mouth opened to say something, but I couldn’t hear it. I wrapped my arms around my love, smothering them in a hug. They seemed surprised at first, but quickly hugged me back. Tears streamed down my face as I glanced at the clock on their bedside table. I froze.
It was…yesterday. The day my love left me for a bright future where I didn’t exist. Where I didn’t matter. I choked on my sobs as I fell back down onto the bed, curling myself up into a ball. My love scrambled over to check on me, but I couldn’t sense it. It was as if I had truly passed. The past merged with the present, and I could see nothing but the ragged corpse gripping my leg, pulling me down into the depths of my regret. Wasn’t there any way to prevent what was about to happen next?
My brain throbbed with the effort of creating this false reality, and suddenly I could see my love’s face. It flashed in front of my eyes for half a second before my brain yanked me back to my body. I was drowning. The body of my love was still pulling me down, but this time, I let it. I reached down and gripped the hand of the corpse, allowing it to lead me deeper and deeper into the void. Somewhere along the way, everything faded into oblivion. I couldn’t feel my limbs, and my body was engulfed in a strange tingling sensation. My chest heaved, seeming to throw up blood. The doctor had been right, I had a form of incurable heart disease, and it was eating me up inside.
Heartbreak. That’s what it was called. My heart was as broken as the vase on the floor of my living room. I’d looked for glue, but there was none to be found. My love had left me, and it was over now. There was nothing left to save. I could feel the end approaching me like the plague. And, in my final moments, snippets of our songs swirled through my half-conscious mind.
One.
Isn’t it lonely? I’d do anything to make you want me.
Two.
The unmistakable smell of spring followed my love wherever they went.
Three.
So much for summer love, and saying “Us,” ‘cause you weren’t mine to lose.
Four.
My love cried by the fire and I wrapped my arms around them like a warm blanket.
Five.
How’d it all fall apart? You were right here before, in my arms. Now you’re invisible, but the heartbreak’s physical.
Six.
My love held my hand when I’d lost all hope.
Seven.
Every single thing I touch becomes sick with sadness. Because it’s all over now, all out to sea.
Eight.
The doctor lied. I didn’t have ten years to live, I had ten seconds.
Nine.
If only I had more time…
Ten.
Goodbye, my love.
The Roar 