As a senior who is now in her final stretch of high school, I recently had the idea that I should impart some wisdom upon the new freshmen. After all, the last four years have left me with a great deal of knowledge on the ordeal, which I feel would benefit those who are beginning this stage of life. With this idea in mind, I devised the following guide on how to succeed in high school. If you are a current freshman, eighth grader, or a younger student who can’t wait to get a head start on their secondary education, I strongly recommend that you read this advice very closely.
- Get a roller backpack.
My first tip is to ditch the regular two-strap backpack. Those things are outdated, uncomfortable, and—frankly—ugly. Roller backpacks, on the other hand, are sleek, stylish, and efficient. Who needs to be able to walk up the stairs normally? Not me! I’d much rather spend 45 seconds at the bottom of the staircase converting my roller bag into its carryable form (and make 15 other people late to class because of it) than have to walk up the stairs with no swagger like everyone with regular backpacks. Buy yourself a roller backpack, save yourself some shoulder pain, and thank me later.
- Don’t take notes.
That’s right—don’t take notes! You’re wasting your time by writing down info that you won’t even use to study later, especially when you’re writing by hand. You won’t remember the lesson if you type it on a document, even less so if you write notes on paper! Instead, play Snake during your lectures—it will improve your focus, memory, and information retention. Trust me on this.
- Never check your email.
There’s never anything important in your inbox, anyway. Just let the messages pile up and free yourself of email-related stress.
- Don’t read.
Don’t read anything. Not books, not your assignments, and heavens forbid not the news. Who trusts journalists nowadays? I get my news from ChatGPT, and to my knowledge, it’s never been wrong! When you get to senior year, you will see that the most successful students are the ones who never read. The novel-averse crowd who don’t read the homework chapters for English have the most expansive sesquipedalian vocabularies. If you want to be well prepared for college, try to read as little as possible.
- Manage your time.
Everyone always tells you to manage your time well, but their proposed schedules tend to be unfounded and illogical. My tried-and-true method has been scientifically proven to increase your success in school. This is my advice: as soon as you come home from school, spend about an hour playing Minecraft to unwind from the stress of the school day and reset your brain. Then, take a 5-minute break on Instagram reels before you go back to Minecraft. Break to eat dinner and then hop back on Minecraft. At 11 p.m., do your homework for about an hour or until you get tired. After your homework, play Minecraft until 1 a.m. Sleep from 1 a.m. to 9 a.m. to get the recommended 8-10 hours of sleep, and then get ready for school. If you’re late to school, don’t worry. It’s all part of the process of success.
If you follow these 5 tips, I guarantee you will have an effective and fruitful high school career. Thank you for reading, and I wish you all the best in your endeavors for achievement!
(To note, this article is satire. This advice should not be accepted literally.)
The Roar 